to be AND not to be ... that is how it is.

I'm not sure where exactly my mom is. She is there and she is not. She can interact and joke and laugh and in the next moment get mad and threaten to kick me for being a brat ... and none of it makes any logical sense.

It's hard to know how to feel. It's hard to know if I should laugh, because a lot of what she says and does is really, really funny. It's hard to know if I should cry because sometimes I don't like it when we laugh at her and I'm sad when I think about my real mom. That mom would not think this situation was funny.

That mom ...

• wanted her kids to be happy and would sacrifice much to see that they were
• went back to work after raising a bunch of kids to have enough money to send a couple of those kids on a mission at the same time
• worked very hard at every church calling she ever had, especially gospel doctrine, temple worker and missionary
• read to her kids ... even when we were older. I remember listening to my mom read Ann Dee and I books like the "Secret Garden" and "Anne of Green Gables"
• would make funny faces and voices of various characters when she read to us
• bought books for her grandkids for birthdays and Christmas
• was proper and polite and taught her kids to be proper and polite
• worried about her kids and lost hours and hours of sleep because of it
• gave birth to 9 kids and lost one at 5 weeks old
• loved her parents
• wanted me to be a great violin player
• sang the hymns in church in alto
• was very anxious when my brothers played football because she was always worried they would get hurt
• always bought me a new Easter dress
• loved chocolate and would hide it around the house and in the car
• once surprised me and Ann Dee and took us to Disneyland even though I know she was tired and I didn't even ride on the roller coasters
• loved scary movies
• used funny words and make funny sounds ... like cumi (butt)

 Katy, Ann Dee, Mom at Stewart Falls

On the balcony of the Oak Lane house ... I'm the red headed girl who looks like a boy.

This mom ...

• eats ice cream every day
• sleeps a lot
• doesn't always know who she is talking to but is so skilled socially that you might never know it
• still sings the hymns in alto
• doesn't know what holiday it is or what season it is but she always tells me to wear a coat and shoes
• laughs a lot
• makes us laugh a lot
• sometimes gets disoriented and lost because she is looking for the people or the kids
• once asked me, while on a walk, if my mom knew where I was
• doesn't worry as much or forgets things too quickly to worry about them
• loves to read letters and cards and notes sent to her by her friends and family
• loves movies and sporting events
• loves her Larry and feels most safe and comfortable with him

I love both this mom and that mom. Even though sometimes I really, really want to talk to that mom. Happy Mother's Day Mom ... no matter where you are, you are my mom.